CHRISTMAS
710 COLLECTION
CHRISTMAS
710 COLLECTION
Below are five Christmas funnies for your entertainment. God bless and have a Merry Christmas.
His...Daryl Miller
20 WAYS TO CONFUSE SANTA CLAUS
TOP 10 THINGS TO SAY ABOUT A GIFT YOU DON'T LIKE
IS THERE A SANTA? AN ENGINEERS PERSPECTIVE
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20
WAYS TO CONFUSE SANTA CLAUS
Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
Leave him a note explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas" and "Go away Santa."
Leave a note by the telephone telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until that huge cake arrives.
While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. : ("
Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
Leave Santa a note explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
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No one can fracture a
Christmas carol better than a kid can. Sing along with these new takes on old
favorites:
"Deck the halls with Buddy Holly..."
"We three kings of porridge and tar..."
"On the first day of Christmas, my tulip gave to me...
"Later on, we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire...
"He's makin' a list, chicken and rice...
"Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel, Barney's the king of Israel..."
"With the jelly toast proclaim..."
"Olive, the other reindeer..."
"Frosty the Snowman, is a ferret elf, I say..."
"Sleep in heavenly peas..."
"In the meadow we can build a snowman, then pretend that he is sparse and brown..."
"You'll go down in Listerine..."
"Oh, what fun it is to ride with-a one horse, soap and hay..."
"Oh, come, froggy faithful..."
"You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require..."
"Good tidings we bring to you and your kid..."
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TOP 10 THINGS TO SAY ABOUT A GIFT YOU DON'T LIKE
10. Hey! There's a gift!
9. Well, well, well...
8. Boy, if I hadn't recently shot up four sizes, that would've fit.
7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
6. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire! It IS fire season, though, & there are lots of unexplained fires.
5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4. I love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
2. Just think, I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity!
And the number one thing to say about a Christmas gift you don't like:
1. "I really don't deserve this."
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§ From a toy store: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here."
§ In a bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."
§ Outside a church: "The original Christmas Club."
§ From a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in & mangle with the crowd."
§ In a Texas jewelry store: "Diamond tiaras: $70,000. Three for $200,000.
§ A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas."
§ In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything -- a calendar to remind him when payments are due."
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IS THERE A SANTA? AN ENGINEERS PERSPECTIVE
There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.
Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second --- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them--- Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second crates enormous air resistance ------this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 M.P.S. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.
Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.
Merry Christmas!
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